Epiphany: vent post, don't bother reading

I saw Missy, Sarah and Rya on the bus yesterday on the way to see Twilight. It was alright seeing them, I guess, except it made me think.
Thinking is bad.
Whenever I think on an issue, I instantly blow it out of proportion or think too much on it.

So here are my thoughts.
I probably should know by now-- and now, I do-- that nobody is ever going to like me for me. Ever. Not if they properly know me and see me often.
Over my entire life, people have just... forgotten me, or thrown me away as some stupid, second-hand friend that they really don't need when it comes down to it.
I don't really blame them.
I don't have any good qualities or abilities, I'm not interesting enough to be remembered and I'm not good or nice enough to be liked for an extensive period of time.

Even you people here, as wonderful as you are, if you ever met me, you'd either instantly hate me or would not so long after. That's not to say that I'm not myself on here, that's not to say that I don't consider you real friends (because I do)-- that's just saying that if you actually had to put up with my presence, as nice as you are, you'd hate me too.
I promise you that, because it's happened with everyone else, and almost all of my friends have been wonderfully nice people.

Maybe I was just supposed to be the "villain" of the story-- the person people talked badly about and forgot, and never liked or cared about because god, even thinking about them in a nice way is just kidding yourself stupid.
I'm not meant to have people who care about me, and apart from my family-- who have had to put up with me over fifteen years, and have gradually grown to ignore/accept me-- nobody does. Not really, wholly, entirely.
That's fine.

I'm just a second-hand friend. No, actually, fifth or sixth, if I'm lucky. If there's anyone else someone can talk to, rather than me, they will. If there's anyone else to lean on or hang out with or anything rather than feel disdain for, they will. Of course they will. Why would I be anyone's first choice?
I don't expect that.
It's just not a great thought.

And now I'm thinking, what am I doing here? Why on Earth am I even alive, if I'm not supposed to communicate with others or belong as a member of a group? Why do I keep trying, if I know, in the end, I'll get absolutely nowhere?

Who knows.