Saw the doctor today.
She said def no ECT if I don't want it; good.
She saw my arm and pretty much freaked out, then called 9 or 10 other clinics whilst I was in the room asking if there were any open appointments for me to see a psychiatrist.
Mum said I'm not going to the psychologist anymore so the doctor was trying to find a psychiatrist to see me before I get put on antidepressants because apparently they don't like putting under-18s on them as they can increase suicide risk sometimes or something.
Anyway, she couldn't get an appointment with anyone before February and she was freaking out because she's like "no, no, my patient self-harms and I don't want to wait until she starts year 12 because I'm worried, I need an appointment as soon as possible" while Mum and I was sitting there, it was awkward.
Eventually she said she'll put me on antidepressants without an evaluation because Mum's a nurse and Nana and Pa are doctors so they can keep an eye on me, plus Mum's had heaps of experience with antidepressants so she knows what to look out for or whatever.
So yeah, filling the script tomorrow but I'm not going to start taking them until next week in case I get bad side-effects, which I don't want while I'm away.

I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore.
I miss everyone a lot but they're probably preferring not having to deal with me.
I feel like everything's getting bottled up because I don't have someone to tell things to and I'm also feeling really disconnected because no one tells me things either. It's lonely.
It's also really scary.
That probably sounds stupid but it really is, I constantly feel like I'm falling over and I just can't and won't pick myself up and no one even knows I've fallen. Normally it's just like metaphorically scraping my knees, I can just stick a band-aid on it, it stings but it gets better; but lately I've been falling further and with no one here it's hard to want to get back up.