Because of the cuts on my arm a lady threatened to call Child Services so I started wearing a bandage
Mum told me I only cut myself to make the family look bad and ruin her life, she told me she would be better off if I wasn't around
so she's sending me away

I'm pretty sure I've messed up all of my friendships at least slightly and I'm so scared they won't get better
I think they're all fed up, I don't blame them
I wish I could escape me too
I wish I could be with them in a way that wasn't detrimental to them
I wish I could literally show them how much they mean to me
I would do anything
Literally anything

I know it doesn't always seem like
anyone means very much to me
but that's because i'm scared that if i show them just
how much they mean, they'll think i'm some sort of
weirdo
and....wish me away
i know that sounds weird
i must sound so stupid right now, but anyway

Dad is enjoying the fun of physical violence as opposed to emotional
He says I'm too messed up and
He wants me to get electroconvulsive therapy
He said it can be my xmas present
And then i have to go away like mum said
I'm so scared

I wish I could hug someone
I wish I could call someone without worrying that I'd waste their time
i know they say i don't, but come on
who wants to talk to a person
complaining every second of every day
I wish I could just talk...to someone about this without thinking
that they'll love me a little bit less with every complaint I make
- understandably -
Or just talk
or listen
especially listen
hear them speak.....just revel in their company

I wish I could go back in time
And fix and fix and fix
Everything i've ruined
I've ruined all the best things
I keep.... pushing people away,
they don't say it but i feel the relationships slipping
It terrifies me
I know it's starting to finish up
i'm waiting for some miracle to happen
to suddenly have everything fixed
and have them around again
perfectly
but i feel like
i'm going to be looking on
in a month
or so
and have disappeared from their lives
it makes me
it makes me want to lie down on the floor
and just wait until i stop functioning

I would take ECT a thousand times a day
if it could fix things with one or two people
- obviously that's not the answer, but -
i just.... want them back in my life
so much
properly
not the once-a-week conversations
that are so vague and so
impersonal
and make me feel like.....
i don't know them anymore
make me feel like
an acquaintance
to my best friend
and my oldest friend

i love them so much and I wish i could go back and stay forever
in that time where they loved me that much too
i don't know if they do anymore
not because they're horrible to me
- because they most certainly aren't -
but because
i wouldn't.
i really wouldn't.

but i keep clinging to this....
this hope against hopes
that maybe they do still love me just as much
and there's just....
not as much time anymore
though i know i'm probably just being
self-centred and hopeful

if they want me to
i will step back
and back and back and back
and hopefully there will be
a teetering precipice at the end
because stepping back will be
stepping away from the most
important things in my life
but i will do it for them
if they want me to.
i would do anything

i know i might be making things worse
but
i just want to express how much i love them
because i'm not sure what's going to happen in the next few weeks
and
i don't want to lose them just because things are changing.
i don't ever want to lose them

i just wish they knew how sorry i am
for how horrible a friend i am
i don't want to disappear
i want to be there
for everything
well...not everything
because that constitutes as stalking
but you get the gist

i just want this post here
in case i'm not around for a while
and i want this here as my word
of how infinitely endlessly
forevermore
i love them

-and in case that sounded creepy
i meant in a plutonic way.