Well, life is great.
Phone's been confiscated and internet time has been limited.
When I was talking to the doctor on Monday I was composed for the whole time except when she figured out I can't sleep and she asked why, and I said I was worrying; she asked what I worried about and I said that I worried that my friends weren't okay, and being the idiot that I am, almost started crying. As mentioned, my mother was in the room and recently has decided to eliminate, or vastly reduce, my contact with my friends so that I can 'better deal with this'. What I don't think she realises is that my friends are what helps me deal with this. I worry about them but that's not what makes me depressed.
So now I can barely speak to my friends, and my dad's making an appointment with the counsellor today. I don't know what to do.
And when I do speak to my friends these days it's not the same. With most of them, anyway - not all of them. Given recent events I think they've just stopped caring as much - which is entirely reasonable, but it still hurts. It hurts to know I don't matter to them as much as I used to. Most of them would deny it but it's easy to tell. They say and do things that are nice but it's not anything more than they would do for anyone else in the world. I don't feel like a close or best friend anymore, just a friend; I know it's selfish but, I dunno. I feel a lot less needed or loved. It also makes me feel like I don't know them anymore because they don't confide in me. People who used to tell me everything, don't, anymore. I miss that, and I miss them. I miss when people used to say 'I love you' to me; they still say a variation of it but it's not the same. I miss when I knew everything about them and they knew everything about me. Things are going back to the way they were in Grade 9 - I have so much bottled up but am reluctant to say it because I don't know how anyone will react now.
Though I guess I deserve all this after letting everyone down.