I hate knowing I have a person inside me who would do such horrific things.
That the horrific things are horrific to me but that when I am them, I don't even comprehend it.

I hate that no one can know that there are two sides to me and the good side has to suffer when the bad wreaks havoc.
I hate that they love my good side and my bad side is what makes them stop loving me.

What hurts more than anything is that I know if it were just Me in here my life would be so different.

My good side isn't a screwup.
If it was just me in here then I wouldn't know what being suicidal felt like. If it was just me, I don't know. I can't say I wouldn't have ruined things because I couldn't possibly know. But I wouldn't have ruined it in that way, at that time, in this gutwrenching melodrama that has become my life.

I'm lashed to a monster and it's ruining my life.
Problem is the monster is me, part of me anyway.

People want to know why I want to die?
Because this monster is hurting people.
It's not me but it is me.
I want this thing to die.
Maybe for that to happen the good part of me will have to die too.
But maybe that's something I'm dealing with.

And I'm sorry if I can't say all that straight up,
But who would willingly admit to someone they love, someone they want more than anything to be there always, that there's a monster inside them that they don't want or can control.
When I was younger telling that to people just chased them away.
I didn't want that to happen again, with people who matter so much more.
I didn't want whatever this is to chase them away too.

No one sees it or hears it unless my depression takes over my body.
And when I'm depressed I just can't tell myself that people would be hurt if I was gone. I just can't. It's not that I don't want to believe that, it's the chemicals screwing up my brain so much that I tell myself that they will be better off.
It's not that I don't care, it's because I do.
I don't expect them to understand that, it sounds ridiculous.
But when I feel like they'll have a better life if I'm not around, I'm not being stupid. I can't control or delete that thought. No matter how much I have tried - and BELIEVE me, I've tried so much - no matter who tells me what's true, I literally cannot not think that. And when that thought is there I feel like I know they'll be better off without me.

I don't try to kill myself to 'stop hurting.' That's ridiculous. I'm scared of death. I don't know what happens when people die. Who knows, maybe death hurts more than this ever could. Maybe there's nothing afterwards and you just cease to exist. I don't know. I don't assume to know.
I don't try to kill myself because I think it will be better for me.
I do it because when my brain gets as fucked up as it can, I [think I] know it will make it better for others. And so it just happens.
It's stupid, and when I'm healthy I know it's stupid, and hurtful, and I deserve to be hated for it. But that doesn't mean I don't care, or I don't try.
I try, and I care so fucking much and it kills me when people don't believe that.
It doesn't matter how much I try, I can't stop this depression.
I can't stop the chemicals messing up and making me think they'll be better if I'm gone.
I tried, and I'm sorry that I can't stop it.
But what can I do.


I keep hating myself for not trying harder, but the truth is, I've tried.
People hate me like I haven't stood there with the pills for hours crying my eyes out and telling myself I'm stronger.
They hate me like I haven't held my phone for hours with their number on the screen and my finger on the call button.
I wanted to call, I wanted to hear their voice.
Honestly whenever I spoke to them it made me so much more human.
So much better.
But this thing, whatever the fuck this thing is, said 'no, don't bother them, they're better off.'
FUCK YOU.
It wouldn't have fucking bothered them
They wouldn't see it as being better off
I KNOW THAT.
But whenever I'm at my weakest I can't scream that at myself enough. I can't tell the voice in my head to shut up.
I'm so weak.
Pathetic.
Fuck.
I love them so much.
It's agony that I let them down.
It's worse not being able to explain why.

Why?
Not because I don't love them.
Not because I don't care.
Not because they're not my everything.
I do, they are.

I just wish I could be strong.
I wish I wasn't born like this.
I wish I could be perfect, like they are to me.

I wish I knew what could fix this.
Honestly I would do anything.
I've tried everything I can think of.
And I wish they would just tell me what to do.