Well, seeing as no one's really talking to me at this exact point in time I'll write some stuff down here.
The other day Dad and I had another massive fight and at the end I told him how angry I was that he's booked all this nice stuff for everyone else but he doesn't even care enough to book my appointment with the psychologist. After that he called and made an appointment.
I met her on Thursday and it was strange, I'm not sure what to think of it yet.
Lewis asked me to the movies so I'm just back from that now.
We saw Surrogates and then straight after we ran to the cinema Up was in and watched that too. I saw Up in Canada 3 months ago but it's only just come out in Australia. It was still hilarious the second time watching it.
Lewis walked with me to the bus stop and we saw Caitlin - not Caitlyn - this girl in my English class who's really nice.

When I was talking to the counsellor she said it sounds like I really care about my friends and I said of course. She asked me how I feel when I don't speak to them in a while and I said terrible, because it's true. I depend on them too much, I think. Yet I can't not depend on them because they're my world - I told her that and she said that maybe they shouldn't be. I don't know.
It's not fair of me to depend on them so much because it's not their job to make sure I'm happy. They shouldn't have to constantly stay in contact with me just because otherwise I'll be depressed or whatever, that's not exactly fair to them. They have lives of their own and I know it's annoying putting up with me and talking to me often, so I feel guiltily for constantly being there and always complaining and shit, but then again I don't know what I'd do without them. I depend on them because I love them, and I know that sounds corny but it's the only way I can explain it. They're my reason. I know it sounds stupid but it just is. The counsellor says I can't depend on people to make me happy because I'll just get let down eventually, she said no one's ever going to always be, every friendship has an ending. I told her that was extremely depressing and that just because everything finishes doesn't mean I shouldn't start or participate in anything.
I don't know. They'd probably all be a lot less burdened without me bothering them, but then again, I'm selfish. I'd be miserable without them and being independent, as strong as that is, is lonely.
The only thing is that it'll probably all end whether I want it to or not. All of us are getting older and more distanced and we have less in common. Every year things seem to slip just a little and I know it's just going to get worse finishing school. It's scary to know it's not something I can stop. I'll try, without a doubt, but if they don't want me in their lives or if they don't have time, then there's really not much that can be done.
It confuses me so much. I'm miserable without them but I'm probably going to be without most of them, eventually.
I don't know anymore.