You know what.
Last Sunday was perfect.
I can't even remember what I did during the day but the conversations I had that afternoon and night were fantastic.
I was aware of that at the time, but I didn't fully appreciate it until less than 24 hours later when I'd fucked everything up.
How can you say I wouldn't ruin anything when I screwed up so much so quickly?
I obviously don't deserve things to be perfect when I'm not even properly grateful for it before it's gone. I'm the one who fucked things up so I deserve this. Right now, this. Loneliness and all that shit.
Don't say "no one deserves it" because then you're obviously not paying attention to what I'm saying. I messed up, therefore, I deserve it. End of fucking story.
I know I'm making this out to seem like it's the end of the world, and no, it isn't. It just feels pretty shit to know that I shoved everyone away when they mean everything to me. And no, that is not in reference to all twelve people who are upset with me; just my best friends because in all honesty, and I know this sounds selfish but, they're the only ones who really matter to me. If I really think about it, almost every other person in my life could walk out-- besides those two-- and I could keep living life as per usual. Sure, I'd probably be more pissed off, but hey.
But having not spoken to either of them in days has made me just shut down. I dunno, maybe I'm just a sad pathetic person who's dependent on attention -.- But I miss them so much.
I must be stupider than Kasey to have messed this up.
Honestly.