The anti-depressants don't always help.
Of course they don't. They're not magic.
They help a lot and that's more than I ever expected.
Sometimes when I'm reminded of something last year, or I talk to someone who I used to be close to when I was like I used to be, I feel like I used to again, and every time it happens it shocks me.
My interpretation of normal has changed, it used to be that feeling depressed was just normal, and now normal literally is normal, no underlying emotions. So when I start to feel like my old self, it's shocking, because what used to be an average mood is now so horrific for me.
Feeling like that is so terrible in comparison to normal that it scares me that maybe one day I'll have to go back to that, for one reason or another, and I don't think I'll be able to, now that I feel like this most of the time, like an actual whole person.
Every day I feel more pieced together than the last, and I don't want to be that shattered person again, I can't let myself be that person.