Today my boyfriend emailed me a list of ways to kill myself.
Only he's not my boyfriend, he's my ex who won't leave me alone and has been harrassing my best friend.
Yesterday I texted my best friend and she didn't reply.
I wouldn't mind except it was important to me.
I haven't had a real conversation with her in about a week.
Why?
Because I mess things up.
Even when I try not to I do.
Let's look at why.
Growing up my parents told me to shut up and stop annoying people.
I had abusive friends or friends on drugs or friends who stalked me.
Still I was told I was annoying and useless.
First I tried to change.
Still got told I was annoying.
So I started apologising whenever I felt like I was annoying.
And yet somehow that's annoying too.
So what can I do?
Nothing.
If I don't apologise then I feel guilty.
If I do then people get pissed off with me.
When I try and fix things they ignore me.
I try to be a good friend but it's never good enough.

This past month has been the worst of my life,
To top it off no one is speaking to me,
I don't know if they want to again
But I'm falling apart and there's no one here.

He keeps resending that email.
I wish he would leave me alone.