This blood on my hands is something I cannot forget.

Eeh, if you guys have heard Not Good Enough For Truth in Cliche, d'you like the album version or the video version better? The video's awesome. :]
Anyway, I am currently very angry at myself, because I feel like if I don't write all of this stuff down I'm going to implode. Two days cut off from the world and pain-killers which don't actually do anything for the pain, but make me veeeeery sleepy, doesn't help.
Like I was saying, I'm angry cause I know I promised myself that I wouldn't make you guys read through my complaining, etc, but I'm feeling really frustrated right now.
And why would they make painkillers that do nothing? It's insane! Twelve hours, and still, nothing!
Egh.
Anyway, Mum keeps insisting for me to see someone, just to talk to-- not because I'm a homicidal pyromaniac or anything like that O.o -- just that I don't really like talking to people I know, because then I feel like I'm burdening them, so she figured someone I didn't know would be fine.
But that'd just be awkward, telling everything to someone I don't know. I don't like it.
I can't talk to Ellie because she's been so weird since Chrissie died. (No, different person, D:) Me and her are starting to talk to different people instead of each other-- the difference being, she's talking to people who are helping her, and I'm talking to people who are driving me insane. Honestly, this girl I know I've mentioned but won't say her name just to be safe, won't leave me the hell alone! She hangs out with my group now, and follows me around everywhere. It's like, aaah, just leave me alone for a while... really. It's not like she's a mean person, but she's getting to be reaaaaaally annoying, and I'm not at my most tolerant right now.
I've been trying to talk to Mum, but she's been on prac lately, and since Grandpa had the heart attack and we went to Sydney to say goodbye to my great-grandmother before she died, Mum keeps talking to me about the symptoms of reactive depression. What I don't think she realises is that it's been going on for so much longer than that; even before my friend tried to kill herself. We're not talking about Chrissie, by the way.
In fact, Mum should know herself, seeing as she gave me the antidepressants a few weeks ago. I got really bad side-affects and stopped taking them.
Then this whole thing with Lewis-- who, by the way, was the subject of my last post, not Stalker Guy :[ which is why I was saying that I wouldn't ask him-- and the distance with Ellie, not to mention May's bitchiness and that person being reaaaally annoying, is making school almost unbearable.
Milo has cancer, too.
And I hate being at home because I get so bored, but then when I try to do something-- like write-- I can't focus on it, it just makes me frustrated and doesn't help in the slightest. Then I start thinking about all of these things like death, what it would be like to die, whether anybody would notice, etc, and... well, have you heard the saying "an idle mind is the devil's playground"?
:l I also think part of the reason I haven't told you guys anything is because by now you must be thinking I'm insane.
I wouldn't blame you.
Have you ever wanted to leave absolutely everything in your life behind and start again? But then part of you wants to stay, wants the comfort and safety of what you're used to? Part of me is telling myself that I can't stand to keep living each day like this much longer, because I'm just getting worse and worse, and I need some sort of change. But then I also know that I don't know how starting again would help, when it's obviously as much internal as it is otherwise.
I really do think Mum's wrong about the reactive depression. I think it's clinical. I think it's my own screwed up fault for being like this, not what's been going on. I reckon it's just me :l Me ruining it for everyone else. As usual.
I'm really sorry for writing this post. But I needed to say it, and it's so much easier to write than to voice out loud. I guess I was kind of hoping that once I'd written this, I'd be able to leave all of this behind me.
We'll see, huh.
<3

-Update-
He still manages to make my day.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:07 PM):
im sorry its all been about me how r u

Sam... says (9:08 PM):
Nah it's cool, I asked how you were :]
I'm pretty good thanks.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:08 PM):
go ito detail

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:09 PM):
hey do i hav any homework tomorrow

Sam... says (9:09 PM):
Not much to say; just hung out at home this weekend and watched dvds, lol.
And I don't know xD Have you done the maths exam already?

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:10 PM):
yup

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:10 PM):
it wasnt that hard compared to the last two

Sam... says (9:10 PM):
Yeah, definitely.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:10 PM):
brb

Sam... says (9:10 PM):
Okay.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:13 PM):
back

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:13 PM):
so how did u go on it

Sam... says (9:14 PM):
Welcome back.
And meh, it seemed a lot easier than the last one, but I guess I could have failed it xD

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:14 PM):
no ur really smart really really smart

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:14 PM):
i dont think i failed cause i hav a good teacher

Sam... says (9:15 PM):
Aw well thanks x] I don't think it's true, but still.
And awesome, which teacher do you have?

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:16 PM):
miss bardsley

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:16 PM):
shes crazy and funny

Sam... says (9:16 PM):
Oh okay, lol. That's cool.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:17 PM):
yeah whos urs

Sam... says (9:17 PM):
Ms Jacobs, she's kind of strange.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:17 PM):
lol

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight sends:
Open(Alt+P)

Sam... says (9:18 PM):
One time lots of people didn't do the homework and she's like "you're all breaking my heart!"

Sam... says (9:18 PM):
And what the? xD

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:18 PM):
its a song

Sam... says (9:18 PM):
Ahh I see.

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:18 PM):
its cool

Sam... says (9:19 PM):
Cool x]

Sam... says (9:19 PM):
Brb

Sam... says (9:21 PM):
I'll be back in about half an hour. x]

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:21 PM):
ok goodnight if we dontspeak again

Sam... says (9:21 PM):
'Night :]

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LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:25 PM):
night sammy ;)

LOL Sammy LED was awesome so much shredded paper//\ jordan my laugh twin//\\ The All-American Rejects It ends tonight says (9:25 PM):
text me goodnight

-
Curse the painkillers that do nothing D:<