Beiiiige.

Ah, don't really have much to say, again. I was going to show you guys heaps of videos I recorded yesterday, but I uploaded them onto Youtube and they're being stupid on blog posts. So if you wanna see them... (there's about ten of them, I think) my account name for Youtube is Ausfreak, they'll be there.
Thanks for the comments, but... I disagree with you guys in so many ways that I can't even form a proper argument. xD
Anyways, I wrote another poem-- not sure if it's a poem or a soliloquy--... I really don't know much about poems, so forgive me for the terribleness, but I just sort of want to put it here in case my computer dies and I lose all of my writing, etc, so yeah...
And I am also aware that this one is depressing as well. Yep. And again, I'm going to tell you guys that it's fictional. That is, the entire poem and the construction of whoever is talking. But a few things I've based on recent stuff; definitely not all of it, though. I think the reason I keep writing these is because... I'm not sure; maybe because I've been surrounded by death lately, and I guess this is my way of justifying it? I dunno. I haven't been able to write any stories lately whatsoever-- due to recent events, I cannot concentrate at all. But I've always really liked writing poems-- when I'm in the right mood to do so, mostly I prefer stories-- because they seem to flow so easily, the words just jump onto the page, and they feel a lot more... personal? I just seem to treasure them more than my stories, because they reflect how I'm feeling a bit. Meh, maybe I'm just strange. But these are really the only form of creativity I can stand to do at the moment. Stories... no. :l Go figure.
Anywho, I'll stop rambling. Hope you're all well.

I can’t see;
Black dots are frozen on my eyelids.
I can’t taste
Naught but blood’s copper tang.
I can’t feel;
My body’s empty, hollow –
A shadow of who I was, long ago.

I can’t do this.
I can’t live a lie,
Pretending it’s all the same.
It’s not –
I can’t even remember what it’s like
To smile or laugh,
Or feel the joy bubble up inside me.
I can’t remember.

No feelings blossom, grow,
Overtake the whirring of my mind.
It’s just me;
Or rather,
The stranger calling herself by my name.

The thing is,
I’m not quite sure
At which disaster I left myself behind;
Discarding my memories and values,
My will to live, and belief that it will get better.

I wish I’d feel something,
Other than the black mist
Swirling around inside me.
Even if it were anger.
Yes – anger, fury, hate!
Such wonderful things to feel
In comparison to nothing.
I crave the passion of loathing,
Having white-hot fury scald my insides;
Burning away the mist that fills me with emptiness.

Even were it such a negative emotion
As dread, or panic, or terror,
It would reassure me –
Perhaps give me a shred of hope to cling to,
To know that I could still feel something.

I fall asleep each night
Wishing, praying
That it will end.
I wake every morning
Feeling disappointed and tired,
But nothing else.
No tears leak from the corners of my eyes,
No angry cries rip from my chest.
The searing pain ended long ago –
Part of me wishes it back.

To feel defiance, and know
That the spirit I had been loved for, once,
Had not simply evaporated,
May give me a reason to act out.
A yearning to fix what has escaped me.
A willingness to change what I’ve become.

To feel nothing
Is a thousand knives in my back,
Is a million tears down my face,
Is death, entombed in my mind, with no escape.
I would rather die –
Drown, burn, explode –
Than live another minute in this place worse than Hell.

And maybe one day
The light will come back,
And I’ll smile and laugh and love again.
But until that day makes its grand entrance,
I will be doing all I can
To make my final exit.
And then I can smile,
For it will be over,
And the mist that clouds my mind
Will disperse like dawn’s haze.
And soon, my day will begin.

Gah, how cliche an ending. xD