Don't bother

Seriously.
I'm just writing.
Don't waste your time.

This is going to be a jumble of words
and absolute disregard for grammar, cause i don't even care right now.

I feel so angry at myself because i've been all happy for weeks and weeks and weeks now.
And as weird as this sounds i think I needed to let myself slip.
I don't know why.
Maybe I'm just fucked up.
Well theres no maybe about it, really.

Today-- this afternoon-- I got into this fight that wouldnt have phased me now
(usually)
But... I dunno.
I just felt like...
dropping my standards.
Just for a while.
and feeling some sort of pain.

In actual fact, that was a terrible idea.
And I know Im going to be all cheery tomorrow and forget about this.
Or pretend to forget.
So i guess that's why i'm writing this down.

I'm sorry. Seriously.
Not to anyone in particular since no one should be reading.
But so many people have said that i'm so much happier now-- not just on here, in face-to-face conversation as well. And it's like, well, yeah. I am. And I'm sorry that i can't always keep that up.
Because I should.
I don't know why.

I feel so disappointed in myself for just... living and breathing and feeling emotions. That's not even fricking rational. But I do.
So even though I'm so happy pretty much all of the time at the moment, I still mess that up. Somehow.
Just briefly.
And then I pretend nothing happened and go on smiling.
And really, i don't even think about it because I'm not pretending to be happy. I actually am.

I doubt I'm making sense. And i really don't want to post this.
But then I'll eventually forget.
But you know what?
Today five people told me to fucking eat.
Not you guys.
Just... people. Maybe one or two that i feel close enough to discuss it with.
Even then, who the hell cares.
If i dropped off the earth, even I wouldn't notice.

So why should I do myself a favour,
when it's no tragedy if I let myself down?