Drown my will to fly.

I really do mean it: please don't read this.
I just need somewhere to write this; not on my computer because then I'll have to look at it all the time. So here is good enough, but don't waste your time with it.
Seriously.




















So. There's been some things going on lately and it's making me more self-conscious than usual. And it's making me look at people and friends in different ways, and imagining what it's going to be like when they finally get sick of me.
It's not a pleasant thought. But it's a realistic one, and as much as anyone denies it, I know better. They have no reason to stick by me, they're all better than me and eventually they'll figure that out for themselves, on a conscious or unconscious level. It will happen.
I know this, I'm not just saying it. I know it because it's always happened. I used to be so open when I was younger, and then when people always left me, I'd be devastated and not know why. At least I know now.
But when I was younger I'd make friends so easily and people would call me their best friend for a couple months. And then they'd just walk out of my life.
I don't blame them, but it still kind of hurts to think that they all just got so sick of me that they cut me out without another word.
And it's not like this was with one or two best friends. I've had so many because I used to find it so easy to trust people and let them into my life and know that they were the most important thing to me. I can think of every single one of their names, even if it's been ten years since I've seen or spoken to them.
There are about thirty people that I called my best friend at one point or another. That sounds really fickle of me, but it's true. Given that I'm only counting from when I was six, that's like three best friends per year; so they left about every four months.
The only friend who hasn't done that to me is Ellie, and even then I know she's getting fed up. I don't know why she still talks to me; it honestly is beyond my comprehension.
And the others?
Give it four months.
Actually, give it so much less. Because right now, with all this, I know I'm just pushing them a bit further away. And it's not because I think they're such awful people that they'd intentionally hurt me. It's that I think of them so highly that I can't identify a reason for them to stay.
I've racked my brains and I can't think of a single reason, and so I'm going to assume there isn't one.
It's not like I don't understand.
It's not like I haven't already figured out why they leave.
I don't blame them and I don't resent them for it.
But I can't say it doesn't hurt.
And the problem this time is, the people I'm afraid of losing this time mean so much more to me than anyone else ever has.
I don't know what I'll do when they finally get fed up.