Eeh, title.

I will explain first and apologise second :\
Also, this mightn't be a very good explanation; I'll do my best but the past three days are kinda lost on me, I'm currently extremely sleep-deprived and just... not... good.

Tuesday:
Mum and I got into an argument about my sister's birthday and I got told that I'm useless and that I might as well not exist for all the good I do anyone. A couple of other things happened and just yeah, I don't feel like explaining. But basically I wrote that last post in a really selfish mindset, it didn't occur to me how you guys would react to it and if I'd known it would worry you, I wouldn't have posted it. I turned off my computer and phone, put my computer in my desk and hid my phone up above the bookcase.
Got ready for work like normal and while Mum drove down to the petrol station I rummaged around in the medicine box and threw some stuff in my bag.
Mum drove me to work because she needed to go shopping anyway.
At work I told myself to finish the whole shift and if I still wanted to do what I was planning to do afterwards, then go for it. But basically I just wanted time to make sure I was thinking right.
My manager got the feeling I was upset and avoided me like anything, so I got to leave 15 minutes early.
Okay, at that point my mind had not changed. So I walked around to this park spot and gathered up all the medicine I'd taken from home and just swallowed it all in one go with some water; pretty damn good seeing as it was like 25 tablets.
Anywho, this is where it's either bad luck or whatever. Because I hadn't eaten in a fair while, my stomach was empty, so almost instantly after I swallowed the mouthful of water it spasmed and sent shooting pains up the top half of my body and made me incredibly dizzy and nauseous; I could barely breathe and yeah. Basically I threw up and so that made the tablets completely useless. That really still pisses me off.
Caught the bus home.
You should know, both my parents have depression and therefore the house is filled with antidepressants and other mood levellers and sleeping pills for when the antidepressants make you unable to sleep and yeah, it's basically a mini-chemist here. So the medicine box was still an option. Unfortunately at this point both of my parents were home, which made it a little difficult. I stayed in my room and just tried to sleep but couldn't. I wanted to talk to someone but there wasn't anyone to talk to. I don't remember what else happened but eventually both my parents went to bed and I went back out to the kitchen. I grabbed a bunch of sleeping pills and just swallowed them all. Same - thing - happened. I threw up straight away.
Okay so at that point I was really, really upset/angry/exasperated, I had no idea what to do. So I decided to fix the issue of my stomach being empty, I had a piece of toast, waited half an hour, and then was about to try again when Mum walked out into the kitchen and started baking... at 3am. Wtf.
I walked outside and just lay on the grass in the park next door until after sunrise, which I didn't even notice because my eyes were blurred and I was just shaking and wishing I was dead.

Wednesday:
After I realised the sun was up I walked back inside, no one was awake but I didn't have the energy to sneak back into the kitchen. I fell onto the floor in my room and just cried, literally, I think I cried for about 5 hours.
Kept thinking and decided I still wanted what I'd wanted the day before. So I walked out to the kitchen... although it was kind of stumbling since I was so tired. Then the medicine box was gone and I realised that Mum and Dad had moved it into their room because they'd needed it or whatever. Point being, I couldn't get to it.
I went back to my room and this is where it gets a little hazy.
At one point I searched for, and found, sharp objects and let's just say I've got some interesting new scars. Or, they will be scars.
At about 2pm I had to go out to the movies and then dinner with a bunch of people for my sister's birthday. I don't think I actually saw her, but I don't remember. I can barely remember Wednesday.
Got home and cried and started missing my favourite people a whole lot.
Eventually fell asleep at around 8pm.

Thursday:
Woke up at 4 and wasn't feeling as bad. I don't know why. I just kept thinking until around 10am and I decided to not do anything for the moment.
I fell asleep for a while and then had an orthodontist appointment.
When I got home Mum started yelling at me again and, I dunno. That's still in my head.
At about 9pm I turned my computer back on and tried to find my phone. When I checked my emails and saw all those messages from you all, I can't even explain it, it felt like someone had hit me over the head with a brick. I was reading them all with tears spilling down my face. I felt-- and still feel-- so selfish and just awful. And worse when I found my phone and read the messages on that.
I'm so sorry for worrying you guys.
That was never an intention of mine and just, yeah. I'm sorry.

Friday:
Well, today isn't going so well.
I woke up at 4 and I'm still feeling really unsure about what I want to do.
I don't know, I just don't.
We'll see how the day goes.
But if anything happens I'll let you guys know my intentions beforehand. Mostly so that you won't worry.

Again, I'm sorry.